this shitty heart

i have a great family and a shitty heart

great, not beautiful, because i feel so separated

such nice people, all i do is betray them

my heart clenches physically every time i do, but i still make the choice to

hence the shitty heart

with its ingratitude radiating through the cold numbness on my face, in my palm

and when they try to keep their necks warm by wrapping a scarf

i don’t offer to put one

i walk away

with my shitty heart

with its evil drenched in the blood to turn negative the colours of all that smiles

stealing that hope in eyes when they see someone they love

i don’t offer hope

i walk away

with my shitty heart

with its ingenuity kicking away the pretences that got me through for twenty one years

they light up a candle to celebrate them believing in me

i don’t believe

i walk away

with my shitty heart

to the failure i can’t seem to get out of

to all this sunlight that pierces my eyes and leaves me cold

i’ll leave me

i’ll leave this shitty heart