senses: voice

I called your name out loud so many times
I called your mobile, your landline, even your grandmother’s, such was my plight
A name I’d found a home in – a big bed, two toothbrushes, some macaroons, two hearts
I’d screwed up, big time; I am stupid, so stupid
To hurt you, to make you cry – hell, you cared so much to have cried at my sins

I called your name when I saw you at the metro station
To say a quick hello, slow goodbye
You recognised my voice, my heart, and you ignored it: why wouldn’t you
I’d hurt you, and I’m so sorry
The next time, I waited for you outside your class for two long hours
I called your name with every shred of hope in me left after the barren sun’s caprice, the guard’s malice, the street callous
You saw me, and I swear I saw surprise in your eyes
But you walked ahead, talking of neurotic tendencies
Intended brushes, here and there, to get you to understand
The depth behind my apology
The maple syrup and honesty in my voice as I spoke your name
The night I first met you, I rehearsed that very name, a wide smile gracing my uncouth face every time I would whisper it
And you told me later, ‘no rehearsal, you perfect it’
If i wasnt lying, I’d tell you right now
Your name sings on my tongue like it never has before, like it never will again, and with it, now,
Is attached
I am sorry, I am so sorry
I waited in front of your class, day after day, and stood in front of that very guard,
Communicating with the piercing sun
All I did was ask for forgiveness
I called your name as you laughed at the festival
I called your name while you drank with your friends
I called your name as you collected your tea
I called your name as you bit on your dessert
I called your name as you read your poetry
I called your name as you hummed Linkin Park
I called your name all the time
I made a mistake, but seeking your eyes, every time I call your name
Drenches me
Livens me
And yesterday
You reacted: an year of stopping you, you paused for me
And you beheld, ‘stop,’
And your eyes beheld, ‘please,’
And your hands beheld, ‘this hurts,’
And i called your name
But it died on my tongue.

senses: touch

When I left the boy who liked me, I put behind the feeling like the universe was jealous
Of your eyes on me
The man who got inside of me next did not hold me
He did not kiss me softly to begin with, and look in my eyes
For what current the kiss brought over
He did not curl his hand, tilted, round my collarbone – gentle, possessive, passionate
His hands did not roam around my stomach in a soft tease before they settled
Where he wanted them planted
His lips travelled from down my neck to my breasts but could not
Trail it to my soul
There was no tickle as he breathed above my lower lip, biting it softly
The hair on the back of my neck did not rise as he whispered in my earlobe
His fingers did not deem the tiny black dot beneath my right breast as beautiful
Nor was the one close to my clit
When his fingers touched the inside of my leg, I did not feel
The hot mess you’d seen
I did not feel
Special
Uncontrollable
Loved
When he put himself inside me, there were so many things amiss
His eyes were not in mine but rolled upwards as he moaned, riddling out ecstacies
There was no free hand placed on the curve of my hip holding me up
All there was, was his ecstacy
And my epiphany
You told me I was beautiful – before, after, every time – just by looking into my eyes
He exclaimed, ‘fuck, that was hot’ and stabled his breathing
His breathing, oh his breathing, did not come close to the hitch in yours
Every time you held my hair a little tighter while you would cum
Every time you would touch me down and feel the pleasure as
Your name I sung out like poetry
Every time you wrapped your hand round my waist when I was asleep but restless
No, there was no hitch that shook my world with exuberance
All there was was lust and his fingers and my neck
and i realised
Never did i touch him the way I touched you
Never did i stroll my hands across his back, his shoulders, his muscles,
Committing the skin to memory
Never did i pull his hair back, teasing a little every time he was to kiss me
And then kiss him hard
Never did i stroke him with the gentle spin you loved
Never did i kiss him everywhere, singing just how perfect he was
Never did i make him feel special
The galaxy down to my knees when I was with you, and only a bed shriek every time afterwards
Is what it took to make me understand
Sex was nothing if not noticed, cared for, touched, yearned, felt
The passion that burst out of me, with you, never did with anyone
Replacement was far off the list, you you you
You were the touch I craved, you became the love i sheltered
And with you I felt ethereal
When I looked at you, I realised how delicate care is
All the purity I see now is you.